Tinder and Blind

My brother and I went to our hometown in Devon this weekend for a break from the stress of a busy working week in London. I needed some smog free Devon air and family time. What I got was a storm and family question time, the weather wasn’t great either.. ‘How’s life?’ turned into a barage of: ‘When are you going to have a baby?’ ‘What does your future look like?’ ‘It’s a leap year this year, why don’t you propose?’

What my brother got: ‘How’s your business going?’, ‘How was your holiday?’ ‘How’s your new flat?’

I’m 31 and the majority of my friends back in Devon are on their second children, all are married. I love them and their kids dearly but I am not them, nor do I want to be.

I left Devon aged 18 for uni, moved back after uni for 6 months then moved away to begin my career without looking back despite missing the famous, now flattened, sand dunes and friends I frequented them with.

I’m happy, content, of course at times I’m stressed and have wobbles, don’t we all? Life is not easy, London is fast-paced, my job is a tad crazy, but I wouldn’t change my life.  I’ve got a step-daughter, a loving partner who is himself working round the clock to create a future for us, and he wants to get his career in order before we move to the next step. And you know what? I don’t want it any other way. So, why is it okay for families who supposedly love and support you no matter what, to ask so many pressurising questions? Meanwhile, my brother is 28 this year, never been in a relationship and is also content.. yet my family never ask him the same questions they ask me.

One answer is probably the obvious biological clock conundrum. Personally, I don’t even know if I want children. And yet I’m scared to seriously tell my family that. When I say I’m not too bothered about kids they reply with ‘you’ll feel differently when you have your own’. I’m sure I would, but would they be happy if I end up having children purely for their sake and not my own?

I’ve written before about what illustrates the ‘best age’ to have a baby, and the differences between Millenials (a word I loathe but an era that I do fall into) and their/our baby boomer parents. But as a recap, research on a lot of varying factors including socio-economic, health etc has basically said that 34 is the optimal age to have a child. 26 biologically, but again if you’re an obese 26-year-old smoker with diabetes, you’re arguably less likely to get pregnant and less likely to have a healthy baby- all statistics. However, you could also be a totally healthy 40 year old and have the perfect spawn. So age, really, is a personal matter.

I also know friends who have just got married and the immediate next question from family is: ‘When are you going to try for kids?’ For god’s sake just let them enjoy marriage for a bit, you know? Be that a couple of months, couple of years, maybe they don’t even want to try. This constant expectation for the next step is a societal factor that we need to snap out of.

Secondly is the generational difference. Our parents, and certainly our grandparents’ generation had the expectation of marriage and children fairly young, as a marker for success. Houses were affordable, there was no internet, often families were friends with other families who introduced potential suitors to their daughters, and that was that. Married forever; happily or not is debatable.

Nowadays as we all know, houses aren’t affordable, mortgages are seen as a liability; the job market isn’t secure and many stay in jobs they hate because they have a mortgage to pay. Social media is rife, Tinder is rife. People are constantly looking for the next best thing, instant gratification rules minds. Divorce hasn’t halted. But it’s hard for our grandparents to fathom because they live in their mortgage-free houses with their life partners just wanting the best for the rest of their family. The difference is, their version of ‘the best’ can be different from their offspring’s.

The generation born in the late 50s/60s is slightly different. 43 percent of the 344,334 UK couples who tied the knot in 1983 actually got divorced, compared to just 27 per cent of marriages from 1963. And yet, according to the ONS who reported the figures, those who got married later in life tended to have longer marriages! This backs up my own opinion that waiting for the serious stuff doesn’t mean you don’t care about your future. Those married in their early twenties have consistently had a higher divorce rate. Now, I know I’m 31 and not in my early twenties any longer, but I’ve now surpassed the statistic of being on my first divorce at least.

I got home from my weekend in Devon feeling like I had more stress than I went with. I love my family so, so much and know they just want the best for me, but justifying myself and my life decisions made me think that I cannot be the only one getting these questions. I did a bit of research, and it’s not just me. Of course it isn’t. I know the questioning comes from love, and it’s all down to how one reacts to this kind of family love. My reaction is this blog post.

Moral of the story; next time you’re being questioned about your future by your beloved family. Tell them although you love them dearly, your life and life choices are just that. Yours.

‘I want to set you up on a blind date’ declared my friend. ‘I work with him and I think you’ll really suit’, he coerced, after I’d just been on yet another failed date. ‘As long as he’s not in the military, married or has kids’ I stated. ‘Well, he used to be in the Army..and he does have a kid, but he’s not in the picture’. After rolling my eyes having had very bad experiences with military men, and asking a few questions on the child front, I reluctantly replied: ‘Fine, I’ll go’. I went on that date two and half years ago. And last weekend, I became a step mother.

According to Happy Steps, the UK’s only research based stepfamily resource centre, stepfamilies are now the fastest growing family type in the UK, with one in three of all families being part of one. Research has shown that stepfamilies often have to overcome mental wellbeing challenges when developing their new family units though, with reports of increased stress and anxiety over your ‘uniform’ family.

Nothing prepares you for becoming a step parent. I had a step-dad growing up, I even resented him for giving us more of his time than my own dad could. But never did I think about being in his position, taking on two kids because of the love he had for my mum. Never that is, until now. Having your own children (which I don’t) takes an element of preparation; reading books, asking friends who have kids already, an endless source online. But step parenting? Not much out there; especially as a first time step-parent.

I’m now 30. I met my partner when we both worked in Dubai, set up on that casual blind date by our mutual friend. Our relationship obviously developed to the point where we moved back to London together, and moved in. All the while, he had a daughter whose life he wasn’t involved in. Why? I had the same question, more than one question actually. Long story short, he had a one-night stand prior to meeting me, he was involved in her baby years until things with the mother got messy. My partner lost all trace of his daughter and had to live with the fact he may never get to be a father. I saw him flick through photos of a little baby doppelganger and proudly state: ‘I made this’. I got into this relationship knowing he had a daughter and yet I couldn’t make peace with the fact he wasn’t involved. My own parents divorced when I was 4 years old and I saw my dad fight tooth and nail to gain access to us, so I couldn’t understand why my own partner wasn’t fighting. Living in the Middle East of course did devoid him of a lot of rights, so when we moved back to the UK, it was all that played on my mind.

A few weeks ago I broke down to him. I couldn’t help thinking that a 16 year old girl will knock on our door one day and ask why he didn’t come looking, was it this woman (me) in his life that had stopped him from doing so? Maybe we’d have our own new family and she’d blame herself thinking he didn’t want her, but had another family. All these thoughts were whirring round my head and I just couldn’t be the woman that didn’t make him pluck up the courage to do the right thing. After blurting all of the above out, he got his phone out and showed me something.

It was a message from a number he hadn’t had saved, a first and only message.. from his daughter’s mother. I couldn’t believe it. It was sent merely a few hours prior to my breakdown and he hadn’t had a chance to bring it up among my tears. The message was a photo of a beautiful little blonde girl with my partner’s piercing green eyes looking back at me. ‘You are missing out on this intelligent, kind, beautiful little girl, but more importantly she is missing out on having a dad’. It was the biggest coincidence. I don’t know what powers were working that day, but it was a day that has changed our lives forever.

At the weekend I dropped my partner off at a petting zoo/ play farm to meet his ‘new’ 4 year old daughter, with her mother there as a chaperone. We’d bought her birthday presents as she’d turned four a few days prior. Her little face was one of bewilderment as she carefully tore the paper to find the present she’d wished for that morning (intel from her mum meant we ordered the right thing!). I waited in the car and watched from my wing mirror, until my partner acknowledged my presence to the mum, and I saw her walk towards my car. I got out and shook her hand. I reassured her that this may all be awkward, but that I wanted her to know that I am fully supportive of him building this relationship and his daughter should and will always come first. That is what is right and I will never stand in the way of that.

I drove away, looking in my mirror at the picture perfect family; this little girl being carried by my partner, and her mum walking alongside. I felt a mixture of emotions that I’ve never actually felt before. A sense of pride for encouraging this to happen, for my partner doing the right thing, and also a sense of resentment that I wasn’t the one walking alongside him.

I drove to a nearby shopping centre to try and take my mind off what I was missing out on, with a bit of retail therapy. I walked around and around, and around, thinking of nothing but what was happening at the farm. Was I ready to take this on? Was I ready for my weekends to now revolve around a child that wasn’t mine? Was I ready to now become second best to the person I love the most? It killed me, but I knew what was happening was the right thing. I kept putting myself in that childs place.

I went back to the farm over four hours later, ‘we’re just waiting for the big slide to open’ ‘she’s doing laps now, be out soon’, I read the messages as I waited. 38 minutes went by before they all emerged, this time she was sat on her dads shoulders. He saw me in the car and directed me out of the farm entrance with a small pointed wave. I drove out and past them, to the main car park where the mum had parked. My heart was pounding as though I was running a marathon. I stayed in the car and watched as he hugged and kissed his daughter. I felt like I’d been stabbed, and then immediately hated myself for feeling that way.

While at the shops, I had bought a little Disney calendar and a birthday card, as I realised we hadn’t given her one. In the card I wrote down my number ‘if you ever want to contact me- 079..’ I called out to my partner for him to give the little gift, and card. Then the mum called out to me. ‘She wants to meet you’. Shit.

This little girl wearily walked over to me, while her mum and dad stood watching my one-way conversation. She was shy. I asked about her day, I learned that she liked the slides and fed a goat. It was all very awkward, but I tried my best to put on my child friendly high pitched voice. We then said our goodbyes and I got back in the driving seat, the most in control I’d felt all day.

As we set off, my partner started telling me about their day together, I listened, and listened, then I burst into tears. I was trying so hard to be enthused and happy for him; this was all I wanted for him, and yet I wanted what he just had. I wanted to be the one he shared these kinds of days and moments with, with our own family. I never thought our first date would inevitably conclude in me becoming a stepmum to a child he’d never even met. But it was happening, and I had to have a word with myself.

Later, I received a message from the mother. She thanked me for writing my number in the card and we began a series of essays to each other. She came across fair and even gave me tips on how to parent her daughter when I have her alone.

It’s all very new, very raw and the biggest thing I now have to do is tell my own family; explain why they hadn’t been told sooner. Maybe I shouldn’t be so anxious about their reaction, but I fear they will be sad that I’m not the only one in my partners life anymore.

I have to learn how to be a ‘parent’ to my four year old new step daughter, while supporting her father into how to be a dad. My life, as long as I’m committed to my partner (which I’m planning on being forever, if he’ll have me) is no longer the same as it was. It’s going to be a learning curve, but I have to think of this as an opportunity to become a force for good in a child’s life. Her future is going to now have the added value of my influence, and although that’s a huge task, it’s also a pretty exciting one that I am about to have the honour of fulfilling.

At a wedding recently, someone I hadn’t seen in a while who follows my writing and social media etc, told me he was surprised I’d gotten into a relationship because he thought I was too head strong. When I asked him to elaborate, he stated ‘I just thought you’re so independent, that you can’t be doing with men and the whole relationship thing. I think everyone was surprised when you changed your relationship status on Facebook, because you were so happy and successful single.’

I was taken aback slightly. I mean, the response was overwhelming, for me personally, after I performed the cringeworthy act of changing my Facebook relationship status, but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Honestly the reason I did it was to deter the amount of random (creepy) direct messages I get on the site, I didn’t realise it would be exposed on my timeline for my entire network unless it was ‘public’, which is wasn’t. I got messages of congratulations, questions asking if this was the end of the blog, old friends and family members asking for photos of him, protective friends asking if he’s worthy (LOL) and others genuinely happy for me.

So, how has my life changed? Well firstly, not drastically, but it has.

I no longer put myself first. I mean, I obviously still look after myself, but when plans arise I will consider him first before agreeing to something on the spot (more often than not, anyway). If I’m in a shop I will look out for things he likes, before I look for myself. Nothing major, but now if I’m in M&S on the way home, I’ll look for things he likes and grab them or ask him if he needs anything. It’s quite nice not just thinking of myself/ a good excuse to buy treats that I can share and feel less guilty about scoffing on my own.

It’s hard work, sometimes. Now there are two jobs to stress over, two busy lives who are constantly ‘on’, two sets of schedules, two sets of homes, two opinions on everything. But it’s also rewarding.

Two of my ex long term boyfriends were in the military, meaning I only really got the ‘good’ bits, because I was only on girlfriend duty at weekends. Yes I dealt with the not so easy bits, but with two days a week to spend with someone, you rarely make time to argue. I’ve always been used to having my own space, my independence, my friends when I wanted them. I still have all that, but now I have more, and I’ve also gained another 24/7 friend. So it’s not a bad thing in the slightest.

It’s more collaborative. It’s nice to have someone to vent to, to counsel, to share ideas with and although I do get really defensive at times, I know that’s because I’m not used to receiving constructive criticism from anyone except my boss.

I have stopped boozing so much. Really, I know, I can’t believe it either. Instead of midweek date nights at happy hours around Dubai trying to source someone to spend more than one date with, I’m happy with my weekly gym routine and mid week Netflix and chill sesh with him. I can’t remember the last time I went on a Ladies Night (for those of you not in Dubai, this means free drinks on a week night for ladies), I can’t tell you how nice it is to not have a raging hangover accompanied by a McMuffin on my desk at work on a Wednesday morning.

I’m happier and more fulfilled. This would make me vom in my own mouth if I ever thought I’d write this, about a year ago. But it’s true. I never felt lonely before, I loved my life, and now I love it more, and I laugh harder.

I’m absolutely terrified. Terrified I have now let my guard down and allowed myself the chance to become exposed to heartbreak, to tough times, to a potential future of complications and obstacles. But I’ve had to have a word with myself and take my own advice. If you don’t try something, then you don’t know what will happen. A lot of us don’t know what we want, until it’s happening to us before we realise it.

I had just returned from a short trip abroad after seeing a guy I thought I could pretty much give up my singledom for, when I was set up on a blind date with a friends colleague.

Truth is, the date with abroad guy didn’t go to plan. I had ended up spending the weekend in a hotel room alone with a bottle of prosecco for the most part.

Abroad guy (he’s actually British -hashtag expat life) had suggested I took a break there after I had complained about not having a holiday in many months, so I booked myself a nice hotel for the weekend. I hopped on a plane and took a cab from the airport to his apartment, he then took me to my hotel and waited while I checked in. We went for dinner and he ordered a sparkling water while I ordered a cocktail. He informed me that he’d be driving home after dinner, and would return in the morning for breakfast. Erm, sorry what?! I had a hotel room with a double bed sitting there, not to mention a bottle of duty free prosecco chilling in the fridge for a potential cheeky midnight rendevouz. Seemed I had got the wrong end of the stick, quite literally, as I stared at him blank faced and nodded like that was totally cool.

It was not cool. I am the one who plays it cool, well, that’s the hope. It would’ve been less confusing if we hadn’t already had a bit of a ‘romantic’ history.

I returned to my room and sent a selfie of me and my chilled prosecco bottle to my Dubai group chat.. They were all as surprised as me after I told them that I’d be bringing the prosecco back with me after sans action. A couple of friends said it’s because I didn’t make it clear that I was there to see him, and not in fact just stay in a hotel room for a break, as I’d originally positioned it. I’m sorry but I had got on a plane, albeit 45 minutes away, but still, I don’t think I needed to make it clearer. And I wasn’t about to make the first move.

When I had returned from ‘abroad’, I was relaying the weekend to my friends by the pool, when one of the guys suggested he set me up on a blind date with one of his new colleagues. ‘He’s ripped and has the same terrible sense of humour as you’ he said while selling him in. He had no photos of him though, and didn’t have him on any social media so I couldn’t make any sort of predetermined judgement. At this point I thought I’ve really got nothing to lose, I’d just had a dry weekend with someone I definitely thought was going somewhere and had then cut off within 48 hours. So I responded ‘as long as he’s not military or has a wife, then you can give him my number’, to which the reply was ‘well.. he is an ex army officer, no wife that I know of’. I ducked my head under the pool and came up for air wishing my love life wasn’t such a shambles and realising I’ve never actually dated anyone from the Army, so maybe he’ll be different to the Marine/Navy exes that I’ve had. FML why am I attracted to the military.

So I agreed to this blind date, more content for the blog if nothing else, it is called tinder and ‘blind’ after all, I thought.

The next day my friend text me with his number. After arguing that he should’ve given my number first, rather than expecting me to make the first move, I lost, equal rights and all that. So I went and messaged him.

The chat was what I was used to from my military guy friends, and it just seemed comfortable, though I know anyone else would’ve found it odd if they’d read my phone in that first week.

After a week or so of shit bants, we’d set a date for drinks. Date day came around, and I woke up with a hangover from hell. I literally felt as though someone had spent the night beating me over the head with a microphone. I mean that could well be what happened seeing as I was in Lucky Voice karaoke bar the night before, but either way, I was not fit for a date. I cancelled.

My friend gave me his wrath for cancelling, saying it made him look bad, telling me I immediately had to rearrange. Truth was, I couldn’t be bothered with this date, they always involve too much alcohol and bad decisions. I was quite happy single, trundling along in my own little world, but I had to come through for my friend after his efforts setting us up. So I suggested we go on a day date, that way I couldn’t get drunk and make a tit out of myself. I’d do it sober instead.

After apologising for cancelling, he agreed to the day date and gave me two options, trampolining or the arcade. Not wanting him to witness my extra layer of chin envelope my face during our first face to face conversation together, I opted for the arcade.

It was May, a bloody boiling 40degrees in Dubai, May. I got to the mall after making the worst outfit choice of 2017, double denim. Let me tell you, wearing jeans and a denim shirt in Dubai at the best of times is cause for sweating profusely in random places while looking like an ex Bewitched member, but donning this outfit in the heat of a Middle Eastern summer was just plain, fucking stupid. After keeping him waiting for 20 minutes, due to drying my sweat off in the Ladies, I arrived to find him sat on a wall swinging his legs like a kid. But my friend was right, he was ripped. And the first thing I noticed was his build, and I just knew I was going to be in trouble.

As we queued for the tickets, I had to be excused so that I could walk around the corner and literally use my sleeve to wipe the sweat from my forehead. Not only was I hot and bothered from the weather, but now I’d seen someone who, for the first time on a blind date, I was actually attracted to. So you can imagine the sweat situation I was facing. After sorting myself out and being totally honest with him ‘sorry I’m just so hot from the double denim’,  we got on. In fact we go on so well that after the arcade he bought me a cookie from the food court then we proceeded to go to the supermarket to do our weekly shop. No joke.

How this unfolded.. after inhaling my cookie, he asked what my plan was, it was to do my weekly shop.. and so was his. So we walked around the supermarket, trolley’s in tow.

When I told my friend this, he said we’d never live it down.. and we haven’t. We ended our fourth date in the supermarket as well. It seems to have become a running theme.. oh yeah, I said fourth date. It’s now been 8 months since that first date and unbelievably for me, we haven’t gone a single day without contact.

Time has flown and I still believe there is a lot more to learn about each other, we don’t live in a fairytale and nothing is ever plain sailing in relationships. I’ve had to learn to compromise, to put someone else before myself for the first time in however many years, but I’m enjoying it. I prefer to put someone else first. But I’m still the same, believing that I don’t need someone to define me, but having this new addition to my life and to my personality has been refreshing without any pressure. So, watch this space. Tinder may not have worked, but Blind may have nailed it.

A friend sent me this excerpt from Sex & The City.

Although fictional characters in a TV series, this is a pretty accurate depiction of the sort of chat us females possess when together. Bear in mind this statement is being constructed among three women (Samantha is probably shagging Smith on a sushi table somewhere). The operative word here though is ‘female’. Three females talking about their opinion of male thoughts and ideals, in a fairly decisive way. Especially Miranda.

She’s implying, actually rather, she’s blatantly stating that a man is only ready when he’s ready, regardless if Megan Fox is flashing her bare wedding finger at him or not; if he’s not in the right mindset then his light will be off and he’ll keep driving. The shift of power between the sexes is at play; suggesting that men have the say when it comes to settling, over women, which I think is a load of crap. Personally, I’ve been in a place where I’ve met a great guy but in my head I’ve not been ready to commit because I knew I wouldn’t be the best version of me until I’d worked on myself a bit longer- travelled, built my career, etc. So Miranda saying ‘women have been lit pretty much since birth’ doesn’t apply to all women- I just felt that needed clarifying as it plants a mental image in my head of women in a metaphorical taxi queue just waiting desperately for a man who is ready to pull over and fling open his cab door.

With this statement in mind, I decided to dig deeper and ask a handful of my male friends if they agreed with this gaggle of opinionated women. Apart from realising I actually have quite a lot of single male friends, (and yet I’m still single) I found this mini experiment way more insightful than apprehended.

I asked a slightly mixed bag of relationship statuses to make it a fair test. Two I haven’t quoted because they literally replied ‘agreed’, they were both engaged. The rest are either single, engaged or recently out of a relationship.

What I learnt from this is that men are not all simple creatures that they often confess to being. One of them was convinced that I’d get the same answer from everyone, when I told him I hadn’t, he was genuinely surprised. He thought I’d get a unanimous ‘agree’.

I sent them the above conversation from SATC and asked the same two questions to all: “Do you agree with this statement?” and “how do you know when you’re ready to settle- as a man?”

Responses:

25 year old- single

Nope.

So the moment a guy decides he does want to be with someone, first girl he sees, that’s it? I think that’s nonsense. Haha

I’d agree with the fact that generally all men’s lights are off, to an extent. But I think it’s meeting someone you really like, whether in a bar, at work or wherever, that then makes them ‘switch their lights on’

29 year old single- previously engaged

Not far off to be fair! I know I have my moments but a lot of it is dictated by the woman, you can have your ‘light on’ meet someone who seems right, then over time they change or reveal a different side to them and then it’s over and your light goes off for the next person you meet.. you can easily meet the right person at the wrong time

Me: If you meet the right person at the wrong time then would that make you just move on? Or try and make it work?

Him: I’ve met some amazing people at the wrong time and where I’m not in the right gear I’ve not given myself the chance to make it work..but on the flip side I met the girl I got engaged to at the wrong time but I knew she was special so it changed everything

Humans are complex creatures, I guess you can’t really put emotions into situational categories

28 year old- engaged

Yeah 100%. My fiancé was the only person I’ve dated who I met when I wasn’t ready to start seeing someone. Every other girl..I think to myself I’m ready to have a gf, meet someone nice, and usually I have one within a month or so. It’s not the first girl to come along but it’s the first one who’s dateable

Me: so what made you change your thinking?

Him: Right girl, wrong time but I didn’t want to not date her. Turned out to be the right time after all because now I’m marrying her

29 year old- single

No *crying laugh emoji*. Depends on the girl.

Me: So you’d say it doesn’t matter where you are in your head, if it’s the right girl you’ll change your mindset

Him: Potentially. I did. Depends on the guy though. Some guys just want to be players all the time then somehow get tied down. Fuck just taking some girl because it’s convenient, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard

29 year old- single

Don’t agree with that at all. Obvs differs between different guys. I feel a lot of my friends have got to a certain age and just settled for whatever is in their life at that time to be honest, it’s happening more and more

I guess when you know, you know, and it just happens

30 year old- single

Very true indeed. It’s the same with lads though, some who just want their dinner on the table and a wife at home can’t wait to settle down, and they settle for anything

28 year old- engaged

Agree. I had a job for a long time which wouldn’t allow me to maintain a relationship monogamously. That’s down to me though, I didn’t want to have to be committed because I was having too much fun being a player. The moment I got older and changed careers though, I wanted the settled life. I’d had my fun single and I was ready for more fun but I wanted it in a relationship this time, but it would take a certain girl to swing it for me. Luckily I found her and I’m marrying her

56 year old divorced, now engaged- My dad 

She is right in saying that love is not that random!

Having said that in agreement, however, most men would fall for any woman if A- she’s attractive, B- he finds her personality stimulatingly compatible and C- there is unexplainable reciprocal chemistry. Then boom! It’s a wrap and yes in that order- lights on, off or yellow.

The common denominator among all the responses here is compatibility. No one has said ‘right time, wrong girl’. The ones who have settled all found the right girl, maybe at the wrong time, but they made it work through the belief that this person is the ‘right one’.

To pick up on the first response (25 single), he clearly doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but more so in it growing over time. The phrase itself is a shallow one.  Love at first sight refers to the fact that love does not merely consist of feelings; rather, it essentially involves time & activities, and these cannot be exerted at first sight.

To quote Steve Jobs: “As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.” Or, as a couple of these guys have found out, you have a great run for a few months then she gets pissed off at you going out too much and wasn’t ‘the one’ after all. Either way, a guy will turn his light on for the right girl, as will be reciprocated by the girl, for the right guy, no matter what the circumstances.